The Jew Bride
by Misha Novak
Summary: Butters is sick. So Kenny comes over and tells him a story...A spoof of The Princess Bride. Style.
1. Chapter 1

A/N: ...Uh heh heh. Not much to say on this. Nope. Well actually, it's just a small little joke and for my sister, I might not even finish this at all. But we'll see soon won't we? Because if you like it, I _will_ finish it. I don't own South Park or Princess Bride, blah blah blah.

"Ooo-oo girl, b-baby please don't go..."

A weak, and raspy cough interrupted the boy's quiet singing and echoed through the small, dark bedroom of the timid blonde, known best as "Butters". The small boy cleared his throat and swallowed hard. The cold he had was taking a real toll on him. "But that's what I get for messin' around in the snow when I shoulda been doing homework" Butters would constantly scold himself. Ah, self discipline.

A knock on the window brought Butters out from him thoughts. He lifted his blue eyes in time to see another pair of blue eyes that belonged to another blonde around his age. Butters let out a squeaky gasp and crawled over to his window opening it up shyly. "K-Kenny, What...What are you doing here?" he asked, he kept his voice down. In fear of two reasons; he'd lose it completely and that his dad would hear and ground him. Kenny grinned and leaned into the open window sliding his whole body inside and plopped onto Butters' bed.

"I just came to check on my little buddy is all." Kenny replied with a shrug. "How are you feeling, Butters?" he asked reached over and pressed a gloved hand to Butter's forehead. Butters frowned.

"Lousy, Ken. Why-Why I-" a sneeze and loud sniffling. "Lousy."

Kenny smiled and pulled his hand back. "I don't got any medicine but I do got something better."

"Oh hamburgers, please keep it in your pants, Kenny." Butters pleaded weakly. Kenny rolled his eyes. "No, you numb nuts. I'm gonna tell you a story."

Butters' face nearly light up like Christmas. "Really? A story?" he asked. The taller blonde nodded, his locks bouncing as his head moved.

"Oh boy, what's it about? Is it about a lost kitty that goes on a neat-o adventure to find her way home?" Butters asked excitement clearly in his voice. Kenny stared at him before breaking the horrible news; "No, dude. No." he mumbled shaking his head, still staring at Butters.

"Aw shucks."

Kenny hoped off the bed and laid Butters back and pulled the covers over the sick boy then pulled up chair and plopped down on it. "Ready?" he asked, tilting his head slightly. Butters nodded as his reply. Kenny hummed and rubbed his chin. "This story is called..."

"Wait, Kenny!" Butters interrupted. "Is-Is this story gonna be scary?"

Kenny laughed; "Are you kidding? Fighting, torture, revenge, giants, monsters, chases, escapes…"

Butters pulled the covers up to his nose and looked up at Kenny with wide eyes. "Oh golly...I-I guess I can try and not pass out f-from fear." Butters mumbled meshing his knuckles together.

"Wonderful. Your vote of confidence is overwhelming." Kenny commented. "Anyway, Butters. The name of this story is The Jew Bride." He went on, making himself comfortable in the small chair. Butters lifted a brow. "The_ Jew _Bride?" he repeated with slight uncertainty.

"Yes as in the bride is Jewish." Kenny replied trying to keep the annoyance clear from his voice.

"What's her name?" Butters pressed. Kenny frowned and leaned in staring intently at Butters "Maybe if you'd stop interrupting me, you'd find out, Butters."

Butters let out a short squeak and nodded, keeping quiet. Kenny proud of this new silence, cleared his throat and began;

"Once upon a time, long ago…there was a Jew named…Kyle."

Butters opened his mouth but a fit of coughs and sneezes came out rather then a comment on the name. Kenny waited till Butters blew his nose and then continued his story.

"Kyle was raised on a small farm in the country of uhh…" Kenny trailed off. After a moment he smiled happily and spoke again. "South-otia Park-ia! His favorite pastimes were riding his horse and tormenting the farm boy that worked there. His name was Stanley, but he never called him that."

Butters blinked and looked at Kenny with a questioning look. "South-otia Park-ia?"

Kenny frowned. "Shut up, Butters. It's creative. Now…Nothing gave Kyle and his Jew pride more pleasure than ordering Stanley around…"

--

_Kyle walked along the small path towards the small stables at the side of his family's home, he kept a strong but gentle hold on his horse's reins as he made his way. His green eyes falling upon a boy slightly older than him with ebony hair falling before his eyes and framed his face was working hard cleaning up the stables. Kyle came to a stop, calling out to him._

"_Stan, polish my horse's saddle. I wanna see my face shining in it by morning." He said nearly haughtily. Stan paused in his working and looked to Kyle, nodding his head and replied._

"_Sure thing, dude."_

--

Kenny placed his hands behind his head, stretching slightly. " 'Sure thing, dude.' Was all he ever said to him."

--

_Kyle came up towards Stan who was once again working some task on the farm and set down two large pails at his feet, glancing at Stan shyly as if it were his first time speaking to him. "Stan, fill these with water." He commanded, but then softly added; "Please."_

_Stan walked up towards Kyle, and stopped just mere inches away, Kyle's face flushed. Stan bent down and lifted up the pails._

"_Sure thing, dude."_

--

"Kyle was amazed to discover that when Stan was saying 'Sure thing, dude.' What he meant was, 'I love you.' And even more amazing was the day Kyle realized he truly loved him back." Kenny said, glancing down at Butters with a grin.

--

_Kyle was standing in the large kitchen, his hands working the dough for a Lekach. He jumped slightly when he heard someone entering from the back door. He looked over to see Stan setting some bags of grain down and was turning to leave. Kyle's eyes quickly darted around the kitchen, looking for anything to keep Stan from leaving the kitchen. "Stan!" he called out, making the dark haired boy stop in his tracks. He turned and faced Kyle with an expecting look. Kyle swallowed and glanced up, pointing timidly to a pitcher just above his head. "Fetch me that pitcher." He finished quietly. Stan slowly walked over, smiling a bit knowingly. He reached up and grasped the pitcher and brought it down, placing it in Kyle's hands. _

"_Sure thing, dude." He said softly. Kyle's face nearly turned redder than his hair._

_The two boys soon found themselves; standing outside atop a hill that over looked the land. The sun was setting as they looked into each other's eyes, slowly Stan leaned in, Kyle lifted his head to meet Stan's lips._

--

"Wait, wait!" Butters cried. "Oh Christmas, Kenny…you never said anything about…kissin'! I thought this was gonna be scary…"

Kenny waved a hand. "Wait, just wait. Ya want it to get scary right now? I mean it gets seriously…scary." He whispered. Butters gulped. "Ah…no…kissin's not that bad I guess."

"Now quiet, Butters…where was I? Oh, yeah. Stanley had no money for marriage, so he packed a few belongings and left the farm to seek his fortune across the sea. It was a very emotional time for Kyle."

"Oh, hamburgers."

--

_Kyle held onto Stan's shirt tightly, not willing to let him go for anything. "What if I don't see you again, Stan?" he asked. Stan gave him a reassuring smile. "But you will." He said. Kyle snorted and narrowed his eyes. "What if something happens to you? What then?" he asked with a small snap. Stan sighed and shook his head. "Listen. I'll always come for you."_

--

Kenny busted out laughing, holding his stomach. Butters looked at him with a raised brow. Kenny wiped his eyes and shook his head. "Sorry, dude…" He apologized. "But I said that wrong." He explained to a still clueless Butter and continued.

--

_Kyle frowned at Stan's promise. "But how can you be so sure?" Stan grinned. "This is true love, dude. You think this happens every day?" Stan questioned pulling Kyle into a warm embrace._

--

"Stanley didn't reach his destination. His ship was attacked by the dread pirate Mysterion, who never left captives alive. When Buttercup got the news that Stanley was murdered,--"

"Mysterion is a meanie." Butters noted rubbing his head.

"He went into his room and shut the door, and for days he didn't sleep or eat." Kenny continued.

--

_Kyle sat in his room, staring at nothing. His eyes were seemingly dead and void of any emotion. They were red and puffed from all the tears he had cried. "I will_ never _love again." He swore to himself._

--

Kenny glanced at Butters who was rubbing his red nose and sniffing, but not from the cold this time. Kenny chewed on his lower lip but continued his storytelling;

"Five years later, the main square of South-otia Park-ia was filled up like never before to hear the announcement of the great fatass, Prince Cartman's bride-to-be."

Butters erupted into a fit of giggles, and Kenny couldn't help but laugh along.

--

_Cartman stood proudly on his balcony overlooking the ground that was filled with people. He threw out his arms, his robes flapping. _

_My people, a month from now, our Town will have its 500th anniversary. On that sundown, I'll marry someone who was once a commoner like yourselves...but they're Jewish but I can forgive as you can too. But perhaps you will not find them common now...but still a Jew. Would you like to meet them?_

_The crowd cried out in unison; "Yes!"_

"_My people, the Jew- I mean…Kyle!" Cartman announced motioning towards to large doors that opened to reveal an extremely pissed Kyle who wore a dress and tiara to top it all off. He stomped out, his fists clenching at his sides, he glared up at Cartman as the people bowed to him respectfully._

_Kyle rode his horse through the small forest just away from the castle. He slowed the animal to a halt when he saw three strangers standing there by the riverside. One was an elegant looking blonde young man, the other a rough looking tanned boy with messy brown hair, and the last was a large dark skinned man._

_The blonde stepped forward. "A word my fair man." His voice was soft and apparent that he was English. "We are but three poor, lost circus performers."_

_There was an annoyed snort from the tanned boy. The blonde smiled ignoring him and continued. "Would you happen to know of a nearby village?" he asked hopefully. Kyle shook his head and replied; "No, sorry there's not a village for miles really." He said, watching as the larger of the three walked forward. The blonde's gently smile turned into a wicked smirk. "Then there is no one to hear you scream." He said before the man grabbed the back of Kyle's neck, silencing the boy's starting scream. _

_Christophe watched Gregory stick some strange looking fabric onto Kyle's coat. The French boy took a drag of his cigarette and pointed. "What iz zat?" he asked_

"_Fabric from the solider of Denver-via." Gregory replied. _

"_Who is Denver-via?" Chef asked, carrying an unconscious Kyle in his arms._

_Gregory sighed and finally got the fabric to stick. "The country across the sea. The sworn enemy of South-otia Park-ia!" he set the coat onto the horse and slapped its side. "Go!" he commanded and the animal ran off._

"_Once the horse reaches the castle, the fabric will make the prince suspect the Denver-vians have abducted his love. When he finds his body dead on the Denver-via frontier, his suspicions will be totally confirmed." Gregory explained turning to the other two that headed for their boat. Chef frowned. "Wait a minute now…you never said anything about killin' anybody." _

_Gregory's eyes nearly flared. "I've hired you to help me start a war. It's a prestigious line of work, with long and glorious traditions."_

"_I just don't think its right to kill an innocent boy." Chef continued. Gregory sighed. "I didn't hire you to think, Chef!"_

_Christophe pulled the cigarette from his lips and flicked it out to the water. "I 'ave to a agree wiz Chef."_

_Gregory threw up his arms. "The God hating Frenchmen speaks! What happens to him is truly not your concern! And remember THIS. NEVER forget THIS: You were slobbering drunk when I found you, you couldn't even buy brandy!" Gregory roared, he set his furious eyes on Chef. "And YOU." He bellowed. "Friendless, hopeless, helpless…want to go back working as a lunch man…IN GREENLAND?!" Gregory demanded. He looked between the two not waiting for an answer from either before he stormed off to the front of their small ship. Christophe glanced to Chef._

"_Zat Gregory, 'e can fuss."_

"_Fuss…fuss…I think he likes to scream at us." Chef replied._

_Christophe hummed. "Probably 'e means us no 'arm."_

"_He's really very short on…charm."_

_Christophe grinned and started to ready the sails. "You 'ave a great gift of rhyme."_

"_Yes, yes. Some of the time." Chef laughed, helping the French boy out with the ropes._

"_Cut that out!" Gregory's voice snapped. _

"_Chef, are zer rocks a'ead?" Christophe asked glancing up to him. Chef smiled. "If there are…we'd all be dead!"_

"_No more rhymes. I mean it!" Gregory shouted. _

"_Anybody want a peanut?"_

"_AAAAAAGGGGGGHHHH!!"_

--

Kenny jumped when he heard the sound of feet coming upstairs. "Oh shit." He whispered. He looked around before Butters pulled his blankets up. "Hide under the bed, Kenny. Hurry up!" he said, Kenny jumped off the chair and quickly crawled under bed, and was out of view before Butters' parents walked into their son's room.

"Butters, honey." His mother cooed. "We're going to a small dinner party. Will you be alright here alone?" she asked. Butters sniffed and nodded. "Yuh-huh."

"That's my boy. Now you get some rest or you'll stay sick and well…we'd have to ground you, Butters." His father put in.

Butters swallowed. "I know. I understand." He replied. His parents hugged him and left out of the room. After five more minutes the sound of the car leaving could be heard and that's when Kenny crept back out.

"That was close." Butters breathed out. Kenny pulled himself up with the help of the chair and sat back down. "Yeah but now that means we don't have to worry about your parents." He said grinning. Butters nodded and nestled into his blankets and waited for Kenny to start the story again.

--

"_We should reach the cliffs by dawn." Gregory explained. "Why do you KEEP doing that?" he asked, looking at Christophe, who was glancing over his shoulder for what seemed to be the hundredth time that night. _

"_I zink zat someone iz following us." Christophe replied. Gregory rolled his eyes. "That would be inconceivable." He grumbled._

_Kyle who was now awake, glaring at his captors spoke up. "Whatever you jackasses think you're all gonna get caught and when you are the prince will see you hanged." He spat._

"_I would be worrying more about your own neck, your highness it's---Christophe, enough!"_

"_You sure no one iz following us?"_

"_It would be totally inconceivable. No one in South-otia Park-ia knows what we have done…out of curiosity…why do you ask?"_

"_Well I looked behind us and somezing iz zer." Christophe explained pulling out a new cigarette and lights it up with a match. _

_Gregory sighed. "It's probably a fisherman out for a midnight ride…in eel invested waters."_

_Just then a loud splashing snapped the three men from their bickering. They ran to the side to see Kyle swimming away. Gregory kicked the boat's wall. "Go after her!" he ordered glaring at Christophe. _

"_I do not swim, and I fucking HATE eels." He replied nonchalantly. Gregory looked to Chef. Chef moved_ _his hands up and down a bit. "Doggie-paddle." He said simply._

_Gregory let out a frustrated shout "__VEER LEFT! LEFT! LEFT!" he ordered. He glared over to Kyle who stopped swimming, and was looking around fearfully when he heard loud shrieking. "DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT SOUND IS, HIGHNESS?" Gregory taunted. "THOSE ARE THE SHRIEKING EELS. IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME JUST WAIT! THEY ALWAYS GROW LOUDER WHEN THEY'RE ABOUT TO FEED ON HUMAN FLESH. IF YOU SWIM BACK NOW, I PROMISE, NO HARM WILL COME TO YOU. I DOUBT YOU'LL GET SUCH AN OFFER FROM THE EELS!"_

--

"He doesn't get eaten." Kenny sighed when he felt a tight pressure on his hand. He pulled Butter's hand off his own.

"H-Huh?"

"The eel doesn't get Kyle. So calm down." Kenny mumbled. Butters blinked. "Ooh oh. That's-That's good."

Kenny nodded and rubbed his hand. "Man you got a grip, dude."

--

_The shrieking grew louder. Kyle felt his heart pounding in his chest as he looked around, the head of a large eel popped out. Kyle's eyes widen largely but before the eel could come closer, he was lifted up and out of the water by Chef and was set down. His red locks hung wet and limply by the sides of his face. Gregory stood over him, sneering. "Thought you were brave, didn't you?" he questioned._

_Kyle glared at him. "Only compared to some." He bit back. _

_Just as Gregory said, they had reached the cliffs by dawn. Christophe pointed. "Look! He's right on top of us!" he said motioning to the ship from the previous night."_

_Gregory shook his head. "Well whoever he is, he's too late." He said looking towards the cliffs. "Only Chef is strong enough to go up our way, he'll have to sail hours till he finds a harbor." He said with a smirk. _

--

A/N: And I believe I shall stop here. So, what do you folks think so far? I'm taking some lines from the movie since I've seen it enough times, and then I like to add South Park spice to it. Like I said I'm writing this for my sister as a small joke, but if you would like to read more let me know, send me your thoughts!


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: First and for most, thank you everyone, for the lovely reviews. I'm actually really surprised you folks like this story. I honestly thought I'd leave it at the previous chapter and just that XD. Still a promise is a promise, and I am a woman of my word. So here is the next chapter! Oh side note; not much of an apperance from Kenny and Butters, this chapter I promise next one we shall see more of the blonde boys! I don't own South Park or Princess Bride, blah blah blah...

"Who is it?" Butters asked. Kenny paused and looked at Butters. "Who's who?" he asked back. Butters made a face. "The person in the other boat!"

"Wait." Kenny said holding up a finger. "Just wait."

--  
_Kyle found himself fastened to Chef's side, Gregory on the other, and Christophe hanging off his back. Chef was climbing up the cliff's side with the help of a rope at a slight speed. Christophe though now ever curious about their follow glanced over his shoulder only to see a dark clothed figure following them up the rope as well._

_"Son of a beetch." he said, his cigarette nearly slipping from his lips. " 'E iz climbing up ze rope. And gaining on us." he noted impressed. Gregory's head suddenly appeared around Chef's from and glared down at the figure that was slowly, but surely gaining up to them._

_"Inconceivable!" Gregory shouted. He paused to glare at Chef. "Climb faster!"_

_Chef huffed, obviously tired but kept climbing. "I thought I was going faster." he mumbled. Gregory frowned; "You were supposed to be this colossus, this great legendary thing and yet he gains!"_

_"Well I'm carrying three people." Chef noted sourly. "And he's only got himself."_

_"I do not accept excuses. I'll just find myself a new giant is all." Gregory threatened. Chef sighed; "Don't say that, Gregory. Please?"_

_After what seemed like hours to the four, Chef finally reached the top. Christophe hopped off his back and helped Kyle up. Gregory meanwhile walked swiftly towards the boulder where the end of the rope was tied. The blonde pulled a dagger that hung at his side and started to cut through the rope. After he had cut through a few of the straps, the rope snapped and slid off the cliff's side._

-  
"Oh hamburgers!" Butters gasped, his hands flying up to his mouth. Kenny chuckled. "What now it's getting too intense for you?" he asked with an amused smile. Butter fidgeted slightly. "Well uh...n-no." he replied softly, once again rubbing his knuckles together. "K-Keep going, I just got a lil' suspenseful is all"

--

_Christophe was the first to glance over the side to see if the strange man had fallen, to his surprise the man holding on for dear life to the cliff's rocks. " 'E's got very good arms." he said as Gregory stared down at the sight with wide, almost mad eyes._

_"He didn't fall? Inconceivable!"_

_Christophe glanced at Gregory. "You keep saying zat word. I do not zink it means, what you zink it means." Christophe glanced back down to the man, in time to see that he was climbing his way up. "Sheet! E' is climbing up!" Gregory lifted his hands and rubbed the sides of his head, closing his eyes._

_"He's obviously seen us with the princess."_

_"Hey! I'm not a-" Kyle started to snap, but was silenced by a glare from Gregory. The blonde continued;_

_"Therefore he must die. Chef, you carry Kyle. Christophe, take care of our 'friend' when he gets up here. If he falls, fine. If not, the shovel." he motioned to the shovel that was constantly strapped to the French boy's back._

_"Oui." Christophe agreed. "I'm going to fight him left handed." he stated afterwards._

_"You know what a hurry we're in." Gregory practically groaned. Christophe shrugged. "Eet iz ze only way I can be satisfied. If I use my right, eet iz over too quickly." he said simply._

_"Oh, have it your way." Gregory sighed and walked on. Chef lifted a fuming Kyle over his shoulder and looked to Christophe. "You be careful, you hear? Men in masks can't be trusted." he warned his friend. Christophe gave a nod as his thanks._

_"I'm waiting!" Gregory's irritated voice called back. Chef quickly followed Gregory leaving Christophe behind. Christophe pulled a new cigarette from his pocket and light it up with a match. He took a few slow drags before he became bored and walked back to the cliff's edge and peered down to the stranger calling out to him;_

_" 'Allo, going pretty slow?"_

_The stranger looked up to Christophe and called back. "I don't mean to be rude, but this is not as easy as it looks. I'd really, really appreciate it if you wouldn't distract me."_

_"Sorry."_

_"Thank you."_

_Christophe pulled his shovel from its strap and twirled it a bit, and swung it forward. He sighed and walked back to the cliff's edge and looked down. "You don't zink you could speed things up?" he asked. The stranger slipped slightly, but caught himself, swearing quietly. "If you're in such a hurry, you could...I don't know. Lower me some rope or a tree branch or find something useful to do." he snapped back._

_Christophe nodded his head and pulled the cigarette away from his lips letting out a puff of smoke "I could do zat. I still got some rope up 'ere, but I do not think you would accept my 'elp, since I am only waiting around to kill you."_

_"That does put a damper on our relationship."_

_Christophe hummed and kicked the dirt, "I promise not to kill you till you reach ze top." he said._

_"How comforting, but you'll just have to wait."_

_Christophe sighed loudly and placed his hands on his hips muttering to himself in French. "I 'ate waiting. I could give you my word as a Frenchmen." he offered. The stranger scoffed and shook his head. "No good. I've know too many damn Frenchies."_

_Christophe closed his eyes and growled. "I swear to God you will reach ze top alive, and I hate 'im."_

_The stranger seemed to consider this. "Throw me the rope."_

_Christophe quickly grabbed the rest of the rope and tossed the end down to the stranger. After a while the black clad man reached the top, trying to catch his breath. He reached over and started to pull his sword out, Christophe shook his head. "Non. We will wait till you are ready." he said. The stranger nodded his thanks and flopped against a rock. Christophe watched him before speaking up; "I don't mean to pry but...do you have a hand puppet you wear on your right 'and?" he asked lowly._

_The stranger looked up slowly and held up a gloved hand, wiggling his fingers. "Do you always start out conversations like this?"_

_"Non, eet iz just my life was pretty much fucked up by a man who wears a 'and puppet. I was in third grade, I said zat God was a bastard and 'e tells my muzzer and I was sent to...private Catholic school." he spat out. "For eight years of my life."_

_"How did you get out?"_

_"Dug my way to freedom." Christophe replied proudly holding his rusty shovel to the stranger. "I've been digging 'oles and tunnels since zen. And pretty much beating people around with eet. I 'ope one day I see zat puppet bastard and I will say; 'Allo, my name is Christophe Delorne. You sent me to Catholic school. Prepare to die.' "_

_"So you've done nothing but dig tunnels your whole life?" The stranger asked quietly._

_"I do a bit of mercenary work on ze side to pay ze bills." Christophe replied casually. The stranger nodded and stood up stretching his arms._

_"Well I hope you find him one day..."_

_"Oui, I do too."_

_The two set themselves into a stance, their weapons ready for the battle. Christophe moved first lunging at the black dressed man when he-_

--

Butters sneezed loudly, his cry of protest being lost. Kenny snorted and held back his laugh. "I'm sorry, what was that, Butters?"

"Why I'uh-" he sneezed once more. He gladly took the tissue Kenny was offering him, and blew his small nose. "I was asking if you could kinda s-skip this part." he said finally. Kenny frowned. "Aww. Awww you mean the sword fight?"

"Y-yeah...I don't like sword fighting much, Kenny." Butters whispered back. Kenny frowned more and crossed his arms tightly over his chest. "And that's the coolest part too...fine, Butters but the tourture scene gets full detail, got it?"

Butters gulped, his eyes widening. He nodded slowly as if he was making a deal with the devil. Kenny grinned. "Good."

--

_Christophe was panting, his shovel at his side, he was on his knees with the stranger holding his sword to his neck._

_"Please..." Christophe gasped out between breaths. "Kill me quickly."_

_The stranger lifted his hand up higher, but simply knocked the hilt of the sword across Christophe's head, knocking him out cold. The stranger seathed his sword. "Please understand I have respect for you..." he apologized before darting off to where Gregory, Chef and Kyle had gone._

_Gregory turned and glanced over his shoulder, his blood nearly boiled when he saw the man in black running down the hill._

_"Inconceivable! Give him to me." he said motioning to Kyle, he grabbed the redhead roughly by the elbow, earning himself a good right hook from Kyle's small fist. Gregory blinked back the spots he saw, and grabbed both of Kyle's arms, ignoring his shouts and struggles and quickly tied them up behind his back. "Catch up with us quickly." he said as he lead Kyle away._

_Chef nodded. "What do I do?" he asked. Gregory pushed a hand through his hair. "Finish him. Finish him your way."_

_"Oh good. My way. Thank you, Gregory." Chef furrowed his eyes brows. "Wait a minute, which way's my way?"_

_Gregory motioned to a large rock. "Pick up that rock, hide behind that boulder there and the minute the man in black runs by and his head is in view, hit it with the rock!" He shouted before dragging a still struggling Kyle who was now letting out a string of curses in both English and Hebrew._

_Chef picked up the large rock and walked to hide behind the boulder. "My way's not very sportsmanlike." he mumbled._

_After a few more minutes the Stranger approached the boulder, slowing his run to a walk just before a rock collided against a boulder just inches from his head. Chef stepped out, picking up another large rock. "I did that on purpose. I didn't have to miss, you know." he informed. The man in black nodded. "I believe you...so now what?"_

_Chef let the rock fall from his hand. "We fight sportsmanlike, no weapons, no tricks. Skills against skills."_

_"You mean, you'll put down your rock and I'll put down my sword and we'll try and kill each other like civilized people?" the Stranger asked. Chef shrugged. "I could kill you now."_

_The stranger shook his head and unhooked his sword, setting it down. "I think the odds are more on your side." he mumbled. Chef shrugged. "It's not my fault being the biggest and the strongest. I don't even exercise." he said. The Stranger made his hands into tight fist and went up to Chef and started to pummel him in the stomach, sides, wherever he could reach. Chef stood there, chuckling. The stranger backed away and glared up at Chef. "Look, are you just screwing around with me or what?"_

_Chef chuckled more. "I just want you to feel you're doing alright. I hate for people to die embarrassed." he said before swinging a large fist, which the black clad man dodged quickly._

_"You're quick." Chef commented. The stranger nodded. "Good thing too." he said dodging another swinging fist._

_"Why are you wearing a mask? Is it cause you got burned by acid and now the ladies can't stand your face?" Chef asked._

_"Uh, no. I just think they're comfortable." Came the stranger's reply. He ducked down and slipped through Chef's legs before the larger man could grab him. He spun around and hoped onto Chef's back, wrapping his arms around Chef's neck, squeezing a bit._

_"I just figured why you give me so much trouble." Chef said trying to reach back for him. The stranger kept his hold. "Oh? Why?"_

_"See I haven't fought one on one in a while now. I've been fighting gangs for local charities, that kind of thing." Chef said backing up, still reaching for the man on his back. The stranger squeezed his arms tighter, "Why should that make such a-" He had the wind knocked out of him when his back collided with a boulder roughly. "difference?" he wheezed out, still squeezing his arms around Chef's neck. Chef felt himself loosing consciousness._

_"Well, you see, you use different moves when you're fighting half a dozen people than when you only have to be worried about ... one." Chef got out before he fell forward unconcious. The stranger jumped up and patted Chef's back. "I really don't envy the headache you'll have when you get up. Till then sleep well and dream of large women." he said before standing and ran off._

_- Back at the cliff Prince Cartman and his men where there along with Count Garrion. Prince Cartman traced the foot prints in the ground._

_"There was a battle. It ranged everywhere and they were both masters." he stated._

_"Well who won, how did it end?" Garrison asked. Cartman rubbed his double chin. "The loser ran off, the winner followed these footprints to Denver-via." he said pointing off, with a look of confidence on his face._

_"Shall we track them both?"_

_"The loser is nothing, only the Jew- I mean the princess- I mean Kyle this was all planned by warriors of Denver-via. We must all be ready for whatever lies ahead."_

_Garrison looked ahead then back to Cartman. "Could this be a trap?"_

_"I always think everything could be a trap...which is why I'm still alive." Cartman said mounting onto his horse and rode off._

_Gregory sat at covered table, Kyle beside him blindfolded, and held a dagger to his neck. On the table were two goblets and a bottle of wine. The stranger frowned at this and hurried his walking. Gregory spoke up; "So it is down to you, and it is down to me. If you wish her dead, by all means, keep moving forward."_

_"Let me explain-"_

_"There's nothing to explain." Gregory interrupted. "You're trying to kidnap what I have rightfully stolen."_

_"Okay, maybe some arrangement can be made?" The stranger asked taking a step forward. Gregory pressed the dagger against Kyle's neck, causing him to hiss slightly. The stranger stopped instantly. "If we can't make an arrangement, we're at an impasse." he said lowly._

_Gregory nodded his head. "I'm afraid so. I'd rather not compete with you physically, and you're no match for my brains."_

_The stranger crossed his arms. "Really? You're that smart?" he asked. Gregory scoffed. "I had a 4.0 grade average at Yardale."_

_"Really. In that case I challenge you to a battle of wits." The stranger challenged._

_"For the princess?" Gregory asked, there was a low growl from Kyle. The stranger nodded. "To the death?" Gregory asked, getting another nod. "I accept."_

_"Good, then pour the wine." The stranger said motioning to the bottle as he took a seat. Gregory poured the wine as the man in black pulled out a small vial and popped it open, holding it out. "Here, smell this but don't touch it."_

_Gregory took a small sniff and pulled the vial away. "I smell nothing." he said. The stranger took the vial back. "What you don't smell is Iocane powder. It's odorless, tasteless, dissolves instantly in liquid, and is among the more deadly poisons known to man." he explained taking the glasses and turned away to pour the poisons into one of them, after a moment he turned back and set them down. "The battle of wits has begun." he declared. "Which one has the poison?"_

_"It's so simple." Gregory started. " All I have to do is divine from what I know of you: are you the sort of man who would put the poison into his own goblet or his enemy's? Now, a clever man would put the poison into his own goblet, because he would know that only a great fool would reach for what he was given. I am not a great fool, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you. But you must have known I was not a great fool, you would have counted on it, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of me."_

_Kyle nearly fell over asleep but jumped awake. The stranger looked to Gregory. "So you made up your mind?"_

_Not remotely. Because iocane comes from Australia, as everyone knows, and Australia is entirely peopled with criminals, and criminals are used to having people not trust them, as you are not trusted by me, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you."_

_"...You have a dizzying intellect, dude." The stranger commented. Kyle shifted slightly but said nothing. "Just wait till I start." Gregory scoffed. "Where was I?"_

_"Australia."_

_"Yes, Australia. And you must have suspected I would have known the powder's origin, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of me." Gregory continued. The stranger gripped the bridge of his nose sighing. "You're just stalling."_

_"Stalling? You'd like to think that, wouldn't you? You've beaten my giant, which means you're exceptionally strong, so you could have put the poison in your own goblet, trusting on your strength to save you, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you. But, you've also bested my Frenchmen, which means you must have studied, and in studying you must have learned that man is mortal, so you would have put the poison as far from yourself as possible, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of me."_

_"You're trying to make me give away something. It won't work. Pick already..." the man snapped finally annoyed with the blonde's reasoning's_

_"I shall and I chose...what the hell is that?" Gregory said pointing off behind the other man. When the stranger turned, Gregory switched the cups._

_"What? I don't see anything"  
Gregory shrugged. "I could have sworn I saw something." he said with a smirk. The stranger frowned. "What's so funny?"_

_"I'll tell you in a minute. First, let's drink. Me from my glass, and you from yours." he said, and together they drank the wine. The stanger set his glass down with a smirk._

_"You guessed wrong." He informed Gregory. Gregory laughed. "You only think I guessed wrong! That's what's so funny! I switched glasses when your back was turned! Ha ha! You fool! You fell victim to one of the classic blunders! The most famous is never get involved in a land war in Asia, but only slightly less well-known is this: never go in against a Yardale student when death is on the line!" He laughed in victory, and then fell over to his right, dead._

_The stranger smirked more, and got up going over to Kyle, undoing his blindfold and binds. Kyle blinked up at him. "Who are you?" he asked. The man pulled Kyle up to his feet, holding him by his wrist. "I'm no one to mess with, that's all you need to know."_

_Kyle looked down to Gregory's body, cringing. "So it was your cup that had the poison."_

_"No, both cups were. I've spent last few years building up an immunity to iocane powder." he replied and pulled Kyle away._

_-_

_Cartman wandered the boulders, survaying the scene. "Someone has defeated a giant, those Denver-vians will pay, if he dies." he swore._

---

A/N: And I'll end it here for today. Hurhurhur I'm such a tease, the mean man in black has (Princess!) Kyle. Oooooh who could it beeeee? Sorry for the lack of Kenny and Butters again, and well...killing off Gregory. I love Gregory don't get me wrong, if I was Wendy, I'd be all over that, let me tell you. Climb that blonde like a tree. Okay I'll stop now, and updates I think will happen on Mondays it takes me a while to get off my lazy ass and start a chapter and all that jazz and finally upload it the Monday of next week. So Mondays are red letter days, folks! Hope you all enjoyed!


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: You folks make me sooooo happy. Thank you for everyone's reviews! And ohh emm gee, an update that's not on a Monday? Yeah because my sister is holding a gun to my head as I type. She really wants this story. Ooh and a question, is there anyone who would be willing to beta for me? I am in desperate need; I miss so many things in my own story that I kick myself after posting. So is willing to be my beta, I would be sooooo happy. And now for something completely different...I don't own South Park or Princess Bride blah blah blah...

_Kyle was tossed to the ground. His eyes glared up to his new captor. The man in the mask glared right back at him._

_"Look if you let me go, you'll get any ransom you want." Kyle tried reasoning. The masked man scoffed at him, and shook his head. "What is it worth? From royal garbage like you?" he spat back. Kyle stood up slowly, clenching his hands into fists. "'Royal garbage'? I was giving you a chance!" the now furious red head shouted. "It doesn't matter where you take me, C-Cartman will find me." he assured, visually cringing that he had to fall back on the idea that fatass would come to his rescue. _

_"So you're truest love will save you then, huh?"_

_"I never said he was my truest love!" Kyle snapped, his eyes narrowed. Cartman was far from being his lover. "But yes. He will save me, that I know." he added quietly. _

_"So you admit to me that you do not love your fiancé?" the man asked._

_"He knows I don't love him, let alone tolerate him." Kyle replied with a grunt. The man rolled his eyes. "Are not capable of love is what you mean." he corrected, getting an offended look from Kyle._

_"I have loved more deeply then a killer like you could ever imagine!" he shouted. The masked man stormed up to Kyle. Each step he took, Kyle stepped away until his back bumped into a tree. He watched with wide eyes when a gloved hand was raised ready to strike him. Kyle flinched, waiting. The man lowers his hand, only to point at Kyle's face._

_"You watch it next time that was a warning. Where I come from there's penalties for liars." The man stated lowly. He grasped Kyle's wrist and pulled him away to start their long trek again._

_--_

_Cartman stood at the table, where Kyle and the masked man were just a while ago. He sniffed the vial, and looked off. "Iocane. I bet my life on it." he pointed to the ground. "And there's footprints, he's alive or was in the hour. If he is otherwise I will be very put off." he grumbled._

_--_

_Kyle found himself being flung to the ground again. He growled and stood up. "I know who you are...You bastard attitude reveals everything. You're the dread pirate Mysterion!"_ (A/N: Lol how lame am I?)

_Mysterion grinned and bowed to the waist. "With pride. What can I do for you, your Highness?" he asked standing up right. Kyle glared at him, hatred clear on his face. "You can die." he replied. "Slowly and painful, you jackass." he hissed. Mysterion clicked his tongue distastefully. "Hardly complimentary, your Highness. Why would you wish something like that on me?"_

_"You killed my love." Kyle said, feeling his body tremble with anger and hurt. Mysterion only hummed. "I could have. I've killed a lot of people. Who was this love of yours? Another prince like this one, ugly, rich, and fat?" Mysterion asked, sitting down on the ground and leaned against a large rock. Kyle shook his head, his thoughts going back to the only person he ever loved; Stan._

_"No. A farm boy. Poor. Poor and perfect. With eyes like the sea after a storm." Kyle said softly, closing his eyes he could see Stan's smiling face. His green eyes flew open and glared coldly at Mysterion. "On the high seas, your ship attacked. And the dread pirate Mysterion never takes prisoners."_

_Mysterion simply shrugged his shoulders. "I can't afford to make exceptions. I mean once word leaks out that a pirate has gone soft, people begin to disobey you and it's nothing but work, work, work all the time." Mysterion said throwing up his arms dramatically. Kyle gritted his teeth together. "Shut up! You mock my pain!" he accused. Mysterion stood up and walked up to him. "Life is pain." he snapped back. "Anyone who says different is just bull shitting..." he paused. "I think I remember this love of yours." he said suddenly. "I think. This would have been...five years ago?"_

_Kyle felt his heart skip a beat._

_"Does it bother you to hear?" Mysterion asked, stepping closer to Kyle. Kyle looked him right in the eyes. "Nothing you say will upset me." he replied lowly. Mysterion nodded his head and continued; "He died well. No bribe attempts, no blubbering...he simply said; 'Please. Please I need to live...' It was the 'please' that caught my attention. When I asked what was so important for him here, 'True Love' he then spoke of a lovely boy and faithfulness. I guess he meant you. You should thank me for killing him before he found out what you really are." Mysterion said with a sneer. _

_"And what am I?" Kyle demanded harshly. _

_"Faithfulness." Mysterion said quickly. "Your enduring faithfulness, now tell me the truth. When you found out he was dead, did you engage to your prince within the hour or did you wait a whole week out of respect for the dead?"_

_Kyle glared at Mysterion, his blood boiling. "You mocked me once! Don't do it again!" he screamed. Both boys paused when they heard the sound of horses running. Kyle turned his fiery gaze to Mysterion. "And you can die too for all I care." he hissed and shoved him roughly sending him over the steep hill's side. Kyle grinned watching as the man who killed his Stan roll down._

_"Sure...thing...dude!" he heard Mysterion shout out. Kyle's grin fell, and his green eyes soften. Only one person ever said that to him. "Oh God, Stan...shit." he breathed out. Kyle ran forward and flung himself down the side of the hill as well, tumbling down. Both Stan and Kyle rolled towards the bottom, Stan's mask flying off as he reached the bottom, Kyle came to a stop just a bit away from him._

_--_

_Cartman and his group stopped at top the hill. He frowned. "He disappeared. He must have seen us closing in. It might account for his panicking into error. Unless I am wrong, and I am never wrong, they are headed dead into the fire swamp." he said motioning for them to move along._

_--_

_Kyle groaned and opened his eyes in time to see Stan crawling over to him. "Are you okay, dude? Can you move?" Stan asked pressing a hand to Kyle's cheek. Kyle smiled for the first time in five years up at him. "You're alive." he said reaching up, and placed his hands on Stan's face, pushing them through his ebony hair. "I could fly if I wanted." he said, _

_"I told you I'd always come for you. Why didn't you wait for me?" Stan asked softly._

_"Dude...you were dead."_

_Stan rolled his eyes. "Death can't stop true love...just delay it for a while."_

_"Will you shut up and kiss me?"_

_"Don't need to ask twice." Stan leaned down and placed his lips over Kyle's_.

---

"Aw, shucks." Butters mumbled. Kenny blinked and looked at Butters lazily. "What? What's the matter?" he asked.

"They're kissin' again." he said softly, blushing. Kenny hummed and nodded his head. "We can jump right to the fire swamp."

Butters eyes widen. "Uh well-"

"You're sick, I'll humor ya." Kenny cut in. "Stan and Kyle raced along the ravine floor." he started up again.

---

_Stan ran quickly, holding Kyle's hand, they came to a stop before the eerie looking swampy forest. "Ha! Your fatass fiancé is too late. A few more steps and we'll be safe in the Fire Swamp." he said looking over his shoulder, then back to Kyle who was looking at the swamp with unsure eyes._

_"We won't survive." he mumbled._

_"Ppft. You're only saying that because no one ever has."_

_Kyle turned his head and glared at Stan. Stan chuckled nervously. "Okay...bad joke. C'mon." he said and walked into the swamp with a reluctant Kyle. As they walked on, Stan looked around._

_"You know, this place isn't so bad." The earned him and incredible look from Kyle. Stan shrugged. "What? I'm not saying we'd get a summer home here, but the trees are kind of nice." Stan shrugged. A series of thumping sounds came towards Kyle, and right next to him a sprout of flames blazed, catching his dress on fire. _

_"Holy shit!" Kyle screamed, and started to try and pat it out, Stan grabbed him and quickly smothered out the flames with some dirt. Kyle glanced down to see his dress had been burnt quite bad. He growled and shook his head. _

_"Mind telling me why you're wearing a dress?" Stan asked trying not to laugh. Kyle frowned. "Shut up, I mean it." he mumbled and stood up with Stan. They walked deeper into the swamp, holding each other's hands tightly. As they walked Stan explained his story of becoming Mysterion. _

_"Mysterion's ship Avenger, and I came at the far end. And I, as you know, am Mysterion." Stan said. Kyle thought for a moment. _

_"But how? He's been around for like...20 years and you left only 5 years ago?"_

_"Yeah, but that's life's funny quirks for you. See when I told you the story of saying 'Please' was true. It intrigued Mysterion. Finally, he decided something. He said, 'All right Stanley, I've never had a valet, you can try if you'd like. I'll most likely kill you in the morning.' Three years he said that. 'Good night Stanley. Good work. Sleep well. I'll most likely kill you in the morning.' It was a fine time for me. I was learning to fight, anything anyone would teach me. And Mysterion and I eventually became friends. And then it happened. Turns out, he wasn't really Mysterion, just some guy named Kevin. He got the title from a man, who wasn't really Mysterion either. The real one is retired and rich on some island. And well Kevin handed the title down to me...but now that we're together again, I can happily retire myself...get it?"_

_Kyle nodded his head slowly, his eyes widen when he felt himself sink down at an alarming rate. He looked down to see the ground swallowing him up. "Stan!" he cried out, when he lost his grip on the older male. Stan swore and quickly reached down and gripped both of Kyle's hands. "Hold on!" he shouted before yanking with all his might. Kyle felt himself rising back up, and sighed but his relief was short lived when he heard a loud tearing sound._

_"Oh no. No way." Kyle said looking down to see the bottom half of the dress had ripped off and sunk into the quick sand, what was left of the dress only covered above his knees. Stan stared quietly, biting down on his lip to prevent him from saying anything or puking from joy._

_"Damn it." Kyle swore, shaking his head. "We're going to die here." _

_Stan frowned. "Don't say that. I mean what are the three terrors of the fire swamp? We know if we hear a popping sound those fire sprouts are near, you be yourself found the quick sand, so we can avoid that too."_

_"But Stan, what about the G.?" Kyle asked, his body shaking with fear as he looked around. Stan laughed. "Giant guinea pigs? I don't believe in them."_

_A shrill roar made the boys jump, and turn to see a giant furry guinea pig there behind them. Stan's eyes widen, and Kyle nearly passed out. _

_"AAAAAAHHHHH!!" Both of them screamed, and ran clear out of the swamp._

_Kyle stumbled in his walking. "We...made it." he said trying to catch his breath. Stan nodded. "See? That wasn't so bad."_

_"Surrender!" Cartman's voice ordered. Stan and Kyle glanced to each other. "Aw shit." the said in unison as Cartman rode up to them, stopping just in front of the two reunited lovers._

_Stan instantly placed himself in front of Kyle, blocking Cartman away and spoke up first; "You mean you want to surrender to me? Fine. I accept."_

_Cartman rolled his eyes. "Listen, I'm giving you points for bravery, don't be stupid."_

_Stan held his ground still. "How will you catch us? We know the Fire Swamp pretty well and can live there happily, so whenever you feel like dying feel free to visit us." he said as calmly as he could. Cartman was clearly about to loose his own patience. "One more time...surrender!"_

_"Not gonna happen." Stan snarled. _

_"Last and final time! Surrender!"_

_"Death first!"_

_Kyle moved away and placed himself in front of Stan this time. "Do you promise not to hurt him?" he asked, looking up at Cartman. Cartman blinked, slightly taken a back. "What was that?"_

_Stan blinked as well, and his eyes widen, he turned Kyle to face him. "What was that?" he asked. Kyle looked over his shoulder to Cartman. "If we surrender and I go back with you, will you promise not to hurt him?"_

_Cartman sighed and nodded his head. "Yeah. I promise, you have my word, Kyle."_

_Kyle nodded his head. "He is a sailor on the pirate ship, Avenger. Promise you'll return him to his ship."_

_"I swear it will be done." Cartman promised. He motioned for Garrison to come forward when Kyle turned to Stan. _

_"Once we're out of sight, take him back to South-otia Park-ia and throw him into the pit of despair." he mumbled lowly. Garrison nodded his head. "It will be done." was the man's reply._

_Kyle let out a shaky breath. "I thought you were dead once, and it almost dystroyed me. I can't lose you again. Not when I can save you." he said softly. Kyle was suddenly lifted up onto Cartman's horse. Stan watched with a heart-break as Kyle was taken away once more. Garrison rode up to Stan. "Come one, let's get you back to your ship." _

_"Really, don't lie." Stan said shaking his head. He turned to look at the old man, the first thing he saw was a particular puppet on his right hand. Garrison frowned. "What?" he asked. Stan motioned to the puppet. "You got a puppet on your right hand, someone is looking for you." He said. Garrion snorted, and kicked out his foot aiming for Stan's head, knocking him out cold._

_--_

_Stan groaned, opening his eyes slowly. His arms were strapped down at his side, and his legs were tied down at the ankles. He felt something cleaning the wound on his head. His eyes traveled to see a man were black studded leather. Stan blinked, clearing his vision. "Where am I?" he asked in a groggy tone. The man looked at Stan._

_"The Pit of Despair." he replied his voice raspy and cracked. "Don't even think-cough, cough-Ooh Jeezus Christ. Sorry bout that." The man cleared his throat and now his voice was obviously a manly femine one with a slight lisp. "Don't even think of trying to escape. The chains are like...super thick. And don't dream of being rescued, either. The only way in is secret hoo hoo, and only the prince, the count, and I know how to get in and out." he finished with a masochistic giggle. _

_"So I'm here till I die?" Stan asked._

_"Oh hoo hoo, yeah. Till they kill you." The man giggled again. Stan closed his eyes and shook his head. "Then why are you taking care of my wounds?" he asked._

_"Jeezus Christ. The prince and count always want everyone to be healthy before they're broken." The man replied._

_"So I'm going to be tortured?" Stan asked. He received a nod as his answer. "Wonderful." Stan commented sarcastically shaking his head again._

_--_

_Back at Cartman's castle, Kyle was staring out his window, a far off look on his face. Cartman and Garrison stood at the doorway. "He's been like that since the fire swamp. It's my mom's failing health that's upsetting him." he said as if this was the greatest truth on Earth._

_"Oh of course." Garrison nodded in agreement._

---

"The queen died that very night. And before morning, Cartman and Kyle were married. The next afternoon, Kyle meet the people again, this time as their queen." Kenny said. Butters' jaw opened, and a confused look was on his face.

---

_Cartman stood on his balcony once more. "My mom's final words were--"_

---

"Hold it! Hold it!" Butters said sitting up quickly. "Kenny, no! Y-You're tellin' it all wrong!" he whined. "Kyle doesn't marry Cartman, he marries Stan! I just know it, I mean after all Stan did for Kyle, if he didn't marry him, it wouldn't be fair!" he argued. Kenny crossed his arms. "Oh? And who said life was ever fair, huh?" he asked.

Butters shook his head. "I'm tellin' you, Kenny. You're messin' up the story." Kenny sighed and rolled his eyes. "Do you want me to continue this story?" he asked.

"Y-Yeah."

"Then no more interruptions."

---

_"--'Love him as I have loved him, and there will be joy.' I present to you, my new bride- Kyle!"_

_Kyle once more stepped out into the square, once more in a dress and tiara. This time seemed more distracted then upset. The people bowed respectfully. Then suddenly a loud shrill voice started to boo at him, Kyle turned his head to see a shaggy looking woman, making her way to the front. "Booo! Boooo!" she screeched pointing at Kyle._

_Kyle shook his head. "h?" he asked. _

_"What did you say?!"_

_"I said 'Why are you boo-ing at me, you fat smelly bitch'." he repeated. _

_"Ooh...okay. Anyway. Your true love lives! And you marry another. True love saved him in the fire swamp, and he treated it like garbage. And that's what he is, the royal of refuse. So bow down to him if you want, bow to him. Bow to the royal of slime, the royal of filth, the royal of putrescence. Boo! Boo! Rubbish! Filth! Slime! Muck! Boo! Boo! Boo!"_

_Kyle sat up in his bed with a gasp. It was only ten more days till the wedding, and the nightmares were getting worse._

---

"See! I told you he wouldn't marry Cartman!" Butters cheered but then sneezed. Kenny nodded. "Yes. You're very smart, now shut up."

---

_Kyle went strait to Cartman's office. Cartman paused in his work and looked up to Kyle as the redhead walked up to his desk. "This is how it is. I love Stan." he started. "If you tell me that I have to marry you in ten days...Please know that I'm...going to take my own life."_

_Cartman stared at Kyle, his jaw slightly opened. He closed it quickly. "I would never want to cause you any grief." Oh lie, lie, lie. He turned to Garrison. "You uh, returned Stan to his ship, right?"_

_"Yes." Garrison replied too quickly._

_Cartman shrugged. "Then we can just alert him. Kahl, are you sure you want to do this? I mean...you did the leaving at the fire swamp and pirates aren't really men of their words." Cartman tried reasoning. Kyle stared at Cartman. "Whatever, fatass. Stan will always comes for me." he said._

_"Fine then. Here's the deal you write four letters to your precious Stan and I will send my four fastest ships out after him to delivery them. If Stan wants you, fine. If not..at least consider me an alternative to suicide."_

_Kyle stood there, thinking the idea over before nodding. "Fine." he said, and turned away, leaving the room._

_--_

_Cartman walked along side with Garrison in the forest. "Y'know your Jew is really something." Garrison stated. "He's temper really isn't something to be in the way of."_

_"Oh I know." Cartman nodded, stumbling slightly. "The people are really taken with him. It's funny though. but when I hired Gregory to have him murdered on our engagement day, I thought that was clever. But it's going to be so much more moving when I strangle him on our wedding night. Once Denver-via is blamed, the nation will be truly outraged. They'll demand we go to war. The best part is, Denver-via is just filled with hippies..." he said with a disgusted look. _

_"Wait a minute, hold on." Garrison stopped his walking. "You're telling me...you're gonna kill Kyle, get Denver-via blamed, all so we can go to war cause Denver-via is filled with hippies?"_

_"That's exactly my plan, Garrison. Those hippies deserve to die." Cartman said slowing his walking. He looked at the older man intently. "Is there a problem with the way I make choices?"_

_"Err...well, no. It- no." _

_Cartman smiled and nodded. "Good to hear that." he watched as Garrison searched around a large tree trunk, mumbling to himself._

_"Where is that damn knot? I swear Mr. Slave hides it too well sometimes-Aha!" he pressed pulled on a large knot and a side of the tree trunk slid open. Garrion took a step inside and looked to Cartman. "Are you going to come down to the Pit? Stan's got his strength back and I'm putting him on the machine tonight." _

_Cartman sighed disappointed and shook his head; "You know I love a good torture but I've got my country's 500 anniversary to plan, my wedding to arrange, a Jew to murder and Denver-via's hippies to blame. I'm swamped!" he whined but shrugged. Garrion patted Cartman's large shoulder. "Then get some rest. Like Mr. Hat says...." he lifted his puppet up and spoke in a slightly different voice; "If you don't have your strength, you have nothing."_

_Cartman stared at the puppet. "I'll keep that in mind." he said before tuning away to go back to his castle._

_--_

_Still chained down to the table, Stan was wheeled towards a large ominous looking machine. Garrison walked over and admired the machine before looking down to the black haired male. As he placed straps from the machine and stuck them to Stan's chest and head._

_"Beautiful, isn't it?" Garrison asked. "Took me half a lifetime to invent it. I'm sure you've discovered my deep and abiding interest in pain." This got a giggle from Mr. Slave. "At present, I'm writing the definitive work on the subject, so I want you to be totally honest with me on how the Machine makes you feel. This being our first try, I'll use the lowest setting." he said, before he lifted a lever, on the sides of the lever where numbers that went up to 50, he stopped only at the number one. The machine went to work, a small door opened and water flowed. The large wheels moved and the next thing Stan knew his body was filled great pain he had never felt before in his life, he squirmed and withered trying escape the pain somehow. After a moment Garrison lowered the lever back to zero. _

_"See this is made from the concept of the suction pump, but instead of sucking out water from your body. It sucks away your life. I just took one year of your life away. Maybe one day I'll go up to five..."_

_"Ohh hoo hoo, yes."_

_"Shut up, Mr. Slave. Now, Stan...how do you feel?"_

_A weak and painful whimper was the reply._

_"Very interesting."_

---

Butters' eyes widen. "It sucks out your life?" he asked in a whisper. Kenny nodded. He stood up, and stretched his arms over his head. Butters gasped and threw his arms around Kenny's waist. "W-Wait, Kenny! Don't go!" He pleaded, looking up at Kenny's confused face. "I-I mean..." Butters started with a blush. Kenny ruffled Butters' hair.

"I'm not leaving. That chair is just getting uncomfy." he said as he climbed onto Butters' bed and sat down leaning against the wall. "I wouldn't leave you in the middle." he said with a grin. Butters kept blushing.

---

_Cartman sat at his desk in his office, over looking his work and plans when a brunette man stepped inside. Cartman kept working. The brunette stood there awkwardly before clearing his throat. "Ahem!"_

_Cartman lifted up his head. "Ah yes, Clyde." _

_"Sire." Clyde greeted back. Cartman motioned for Clyde to come over. Clyde walked forward and knelt by Cartman's side. _

_"As chief enforcer of all of South-otia Park-ia I trust--" he stopped when he couldn't fit his arm onto the armrest of the chair. He glared down at Clyde's arm and Clyde removed it quickly. Cartman replaced his own arm there. "I trust you with this secret. Killers from Denver-via are infiltrating the Thieves' Forest and plan to murder Kyle on our wedding night. They will most likely be hippies."_

_Clyde frowned and shook his head. "Uuh...my spy network has heard no such news." he said quietly just as Kyle appeared in the door way. "Anything from Stan?" he asked hopefully._

_Cartman forced a smile. "Too soon to know." he replied sickingly sweet. Kyle rolled his eyes and turned away. "He will come for me." he called out over his shoulder._

_"You keep that happy thought." Cartman called back and the glared at Clyde. "He will not be murdered. I want that forest cleared on my wedding day, arrest people if you have to."_

_"Many thieves will resist, and my regular enforcers couldn't go up against them like that."_

_"Then form a Brute Squad or something!" Cartman snapped. Clyde leaned away and sighed. "It won't be easy, sire." _

_Cartman snorted at that. "Try ruling the world."_

---

"The day of the wedding had arrived, and Clyde and his Brute Squad had their hands full, doing Cartman's deed." Kenny said pulling up some of the covers onto himself.

"Those have germs, Kenny." Butters warned. "I don't want you to get sick." he said softly. Kenny chuckled. "So? That means I get to miss school..."

---

_Clyde looked to one of his men. "Is everybody out?" he asked. The assistant brute sighed. "Almost, but there's a Frenchmen giving us trouble." he answered. Clyde frowned. "Then you go give him trouble. Move." he said pointing. The brute sighed again and walked off to a hut where the drunken Frenchmen was._

_"I am waiting for you, Gregory. You told me to go back to ze beginning. So I 'ave. Zis iz where I am, and zis iz where I will stay. I will not be moved." Christophe slurred. He lifted the bottle of rum and took a large gulp. He groaned and laid his head back against the hut._

_"Ho there!" the assistant brute called out. Christophe sneered. "I do not budge. Keep your ' 'o there' " he said lazily._

_"But the prince gave orders." The brute said watching as Christophe glared at him._

_"So did Gregory. When ze job went wrong 'e went back to ze beginning. Well, zis iz where we got the job, so it iz the beginning. And I am staying till Gregory comes!" he declared and stood up, shaking. He gripped his shovel and swung it out at the brute. The brute jumped back, and called out to a larger brute for help. "You, brute, come here and deal with this!"_

_Christophe felt a grip on his shoulder. "I am waiting for Gregory." he slurred again._

_"You really are a bastard boy." The large brute commented. Christophe blinked and looked up to see Chef. He grinned at the dark man. "It's you."_

_"Yeah it's me..." Chef nodded, he balled his hand into a fist and brought it down on the brute knocking him out cold. He looked back to Christophe. "You don't look so good." he said. Christophe waved a hand. "Bllllllllllllllffffffffff!" he raspberried. Chef frowned. "You don't smell good either."_

_"Perhaps non. I feel fine." Christophe grumbled. Chef tilted his head. "Yeah?" he let his hold on Christophe go and watched at the Frenchman fell forward face first onto the ground._

_---_

"Chef and Christophe were reunited. As Chef...tried to help Christophe to get sober again, he told him of Gregory's death and Count Garrison, the hand puppet wearing man who pretty much sentenced him to Catholic school. And with Christophe's life long search he handled the news pretty well..."

_---_

_Christophe smiled at the news then fell forward unconcious and still drunk into a bowl of soup._

_---_

"Chef took great care in reviving Christophe." Kenny told Butters as he watched him scoot closer. He smiled a bit, but didn't say anything to stop him.

_---_

_Chef dunked Christophe's head into a large bucket of cold water, then lifted up only to dunk him into another one. Then repeated the process. Christophe wiggled out of Chef grip, his hair hung over his eyes, and his whole upper body was soaked. "Zat iz enough! Zat iz enough!" he shouted, flailing his arms. "I am sober, zank you!" he said pushing his hair from his eyes. "Where iz zis Garrison so zat I may kill him?" he demanded looking around the room as if the man was there._

_"He's with the prince, in the castle. But the castle gate is guarded by thirty men." Chef replied. Christophe swore in French. " 'Ow many men can you 'andle?" he asked Chef. Chef thought for a moment. "About ten." he said nodding. Christophe counted his fingers counting quietly to himself. "Zat would leave 20 for me...I could not take zat many." he sighed. "I need Gregory to plan. I 'ave no gift for strategy." he mumbled._

_"But Gregory is dead." Chef reminded. Christophe shook his head. "Non, not Gregory. I need ze man in black."_

_"What?" Chef asked almost unsure. _

_"Look, he bested you in strength and greatness, he bested me with steel and must 'ave out thought Gregory...And a man who can do zat can plan my castle on slaught any day. Let us go." he said walking off._

_"But we don't know where he is!" Chef pointed out. Christophe spun around. "Do not bother me with trifles! After all ze years I will have my vengeance!" he declared. "There will be blood tonight!" he swore._

A/N: Aaand it's done. Well this chapter I mean. Fft. It's a Friday and I updated. So taboo. Well what a bitch am I, huh? I reunite Stan and Kyle then tear them apart again in one chapter. Hehehe~ Anyway, like before if anyone is willing to beta for me, I'd be sooooo happy.


	4. Chapter 4

A/N: This is how much I love you, readers. I updated twice. Once; last week and now on its respected update, date. I'm trapped in lab so I figured…why not? Though I'm afraid this chapter is short. (shamed) I hope you folks enjoy! I don't own South Park or Princess Bride, blah blah blah.

_Cartman looked up when he heard someone entering his office. Clyde stood at attention. "Rise and report." Cartman said dully. _

"_The forest has been cleared out, sire. Thirty men guard your castle." Clyde stated. Cartman huffed. "Double it. My Jew will be safe."_

"_Er…yes, sire. Though I only have…thirty men." Clyde mumbled as he turned and walked out of the room, passing Kyle along the way. Cartman smiled widely at the redhead. "My little kosher-boy!" he greeted earning himself a nasty glare from said boy. Ignoring the look Cartman continued; "Tonight we marry. And in the morning we will be escorted to the South-otia Park-ia's channel where every ship in my armada will accompany us on our honeymoon." The over-sized brunette concluded happily. Kyle frowned; "Oh yeah? Every ship but your fastest, huh? Every damn ship but the ones you sent out…right?" Kyle questioned walking up to the table Cartman sat at. Cartman gritted his teeth but kept his smile._

"_Yes, of course, every ship but those."_

_Kyle slammed his fist on the table, glaring at Cartman intensely. "You unbelievable bastard." He spat. "Don't you lie, damn it! You never sent those damn ships in the first place! Did you?!" he demanded. Kyle didn't wait for an answer. "Doesn't matter. Stan's gonna come back for me."_

"_You really are a silly Jew."_

"_Yeah I'm a silly Jew but—For fuck's sake. Screw you, fatass! There I said it! That's all you are. A cowardly, manipulative fatass."_

_Cartman's eyes darkened. "I wouldn't say such things if I were you."_

_Kyle scoffed. "Why? You can't hurt me, fatass. What I said is true. Stan and I _love_ each other, something you could never comprehend. Do you hear me?_ Never. _And you're a coward for trying to pull us apart like this." _

_Cartman slowly pushed himself up. "I wouldn't say such things if I were you." He repeated. Kyle kept his narrowed eyes on Cartman but back away. "I just did." He said coldly and left the room._

--

_Cartman practically stormed into the Pit of Despair and went right over to Stan who was still hooked up to the machine. He glared down at him with pure malice. "So you two truly love each other." He growled down at him. Stan stared back up at him, and really if looks could kill, Cartman would be the one 6 feet under. "Well that's fucking fine. I don't care, fags, but I will be fucking damned if you ruin my chances on ridding the world of those damn hippies!" He screamed before taking the lever and shoving it up to the last number. Garrison shot up from his seat with a look of horror. "Not to 50!" he shouted. But that was drowned out the anguish cries from Stan._

_--_

_Christophe stopped walking and stopped Chef as well. "Chef! Do you 'ear zat?" he asked quickly._

"_Uhh…" Chef listened. "People talking?"_

_Christophe looked around the crowed village. Indeed people were talking loudly and obnoxiously. But he heard something else. "Zat is ze sound of ultimate suffering. I made it when I was condemned to Catholic school. Ze man in black, 'e makes it now." He replied, pulling his cigarette from his lips. _

"_The man in black? How do you know?" Chef asked. _

"_The one 'e loves is marrying anozzer tonight, so else has a cause for suffering?"_

"_Someone who's badly constipated?"_

"_Shut ze 'ell up!" Christophe snapped before walking on, a chuckling Chef following._

_--_

_Christophe and Chef roamed the forest until they stumbled across Mr. Slave who was pushing a wheelbarrow filled with assorted naughty toys. Christophe took a drag of his cigarette. _

"_Where is ze man in black? You get that from zis __grove, oui?" he asked. Mr. Slave kept quiet and just stared. Christophe sighed. "Chef, jog 'is memory."_

_Chef bonked the leather wearing man on the head, knocking him out. Christophe looked up at him with a exasperated look. Chef shrugged. "Sorry." He apologized. "…What are you doing?" he asked watching as Christophe drew his shovel. _

_Christophe held up his shovel. "I am going to bash in zat 'ead of yours." He replied. "Stay still." He said before lifting his shovel over his head and ran at Chef. Chef easily side stepped and watched as Christophe's shovel stuck a knot on a tree. The side opened. The two carefully looked inside, and saw someone laying still on a table._

_Christophe walked up to Stan's lifeless body. "He's dead." Chef said quietly. Christophe shook his head. "Eet is not fair."_

---

"Wait, wait. No no. What does Chef mean 'He's dead.'? Stan's only faking it, right?" Butters cut in.

"You want me to continue or not?" Kenny asked boredly.

"Who gets Cartman?" Butters asked a new question, ignoring Kenny's. Kenny blinked. "I don't understand."

"Who kills Cartman?" He asked. Kenny shook his head. "No one. He lives." He replied. Butters frowned. "Why'uh, Professor Chaos wouldn't stand for that!"

"I'm sure he wouldn't…Listen, Butter-ball, you're sick and you're taking this story too seriously. I think we better stop now."

"No! No…I'm okay…please finish?"

Kenny sighed. "Alright…"

---

"_Well…" Christophe started, as he unstrapped Stan from the machine. "Ze DeLorne's never take defeat easily. Follow me, Chef. Bring ze body."_

_Chef frowned. "The body?"_

"_And do you 'ave any money?" Christophe asked. Chef patted his pockets. "Just a little bit. Why?"_

"_I just hope it's enough to buy a little miracle. That's all." The Frenchmen replied, walking off._

_--_

_Christophe and Chef stood outside a small shack of a house. Christophe lifted a hand and knocked. After a few crashing noises and a shriek the door opened to reveal a tired looking dark haired male. _

"_Are you Miracle Craig who worked for ze queen?" Christophe asked._

_His answer was a lovely view of Craig's middle finger. "The queen's shitty son fired me, and thank you for bringing up such a painful subject. While we're at it, how about you give me a paper-cut and pour some lemon juice on it? Get the hell out of here. We're closed." Craig mumbled sarcastically going to close the door._

_Christophe stuck in his foot to stop the door. "Look, we need a miracle. It's very important."_

"_I'm retired and I'm not even 30 what does this tell you?" Craig asked. "Besides I might kill whoever needs help."_

" '_E is already dead." _

_Craig paused. "He is? I'll take a look. Bring him in." Craig said side stepping. "Just lay him on the table."_

_Craig examined Stan's body after it was laid down. "I've seen worse." He stated after a minute. _

"_Sir…we're in a terrible rush." Christophe said. Craig looked up to him. "Don't rush me. Rush me and you get shitty miracles. Now how much money are you going to pay?"_

"_We 'ave sixty-five…"_

"…_I have never worked for sooo cheap. Except once, but that had a noble reason."_

"_This is a noble reason….'is wife is crippled. And 'e 'as children on ze brink of starvation." Christophe explained._

"_You're a horrible liar." Craig noted._

"_I need 'im to help me kill a man who sent me to Catholic school years ago."_

"_Your first story was better. He probably owes you money…I'll ask him."_

" '_E is dead, what part of zat don't you get?" Christophe asked bemused. _

"_Actually he's mostly dead. There's a difference between mostly dead and actually dead. If he's mostly dead, he's slightly alive…now open his mouth please."_

_Chef pulled Stan's chin down a bit. Craig looked down at him. "Hey! Hello you….What's so important to you that you're holding on for dear life?"_

_Slowly Stan rasped out; "T….tru…l…o-ove." _

"_See!" Christophe cried. " 'E said true love! Zat alone is noble enough!"_

_Craig nodded. "It is, but he clearly said; 'To blave.' Which mean to lie and bluff. So-"_

"_GAH!! You lair! LIAR!" A new voice screeched. Craig jumped back when a boy with wild blonde hair came rushing in pointing at him._

"_Get back, spazz!" Craig boy twitched and ran forward chasing Craig around the table. "I'm not a spazz! I'm your 'husband-wife'! But after what you just said I'm- ergh! Not sure if I want to be that anymore!"_

"_You never had it good." Craig grumbled. The boy twitched again. "Gah! He said 'True Love', Craig! True love! Oh Jesus!" _

"_Not another word, Tweek."_

"_He's afraid!" Tweek said turning to Christophe and Chef. "Ever since Cartman fired him, his confidence- geeh has been shattered!"_

"_You said his name! You promised you wouldn't!" Craig cried. Tweek trembled and looked at Craig. "Geeh! What? Cartman?"_

"_Arrgh!"_

"_Cartman! Cartman! Cartman! Cartman! Cartman! Cartman!" Tweek shouted over and over, chasing Craig around the table again. _

"_This is Kyle's love." Christophe cut in. "If you 'eal 'im 'e will stop Cartman's wedding." He explained. Craig and Tweek stopped. Craig looked between Stan and Christophe. "If I help him, Cartman will suffer?"_

"_Oui."_

"_That's noble enough for me." Craig said and looked to Tweek. "Go get the things."_

"_Ergh! Okay!"_

_--_

_An hour later, Craig and Tweek sat at the table, Tweek was painting chocolate onto a small pill._

"Chocolate?" Christophe asked. Tweek nodded. "Helps it go down easier." He replied. "It takes fifteen minutes for it to work, or maybe even an hour."

"_Yeah an hour." Craig confirmed. They gave the pill to Christophe._

"_Zank you for everything." Christophe said as Chef lifted up Stan. They walked out of the hut. Craig and Tweek waved from the doorway._

"_Gah. Think it'll work?" Tweek whispered. Craig didn't stop waving. "It'll take a miracle." He replied._

"_Bye-bye!" The two called out._

A/N: Yeah, short. Eewie. I promise the next chapter will be better and longer!


	5. Chapter 5

A/N: This is…The last chapter! Oh my Gawd, I didn't think I'd finish this story. I'm actually really sad. I had so much fun writing this story. Oh well all things must come to an end I guess, and now for something completely different. I don't own South Park or Princess Bride, blah blah blah.

_Christophe crept along the battlement that looked over the castle's gates, Chef by him, who was carrying a still 'mostly-dead' Stan. Chef looked down carefully to where the guards stood before the gates. "Christophe! There's more than thirty men there!" he said with wide eyes. Christophe nodded. "Oui, now zer is thirty-two." he agreed lowly. "No matter. We've got to 'elp 'im..." he said motioning to Stan. " 'Elp me. We are going to 'ave to force feed 'im. Open his mouth." Christophe mumbled digging through his pocket and pulled out the 'Miracle Pill'._

_"Has it been fifteen minutes?" Chef asked. Christophe scoffed. "Time is not on our side. Now open 'is mouth and tilt 'is 'ead back." he said. He leaned over Stan when Chef opened his mouth, he popped the chocolate pill into his mouth, and shut Stan's mouth close. He sat back and looked towards Chef. _

_"How long till we know it works?" Chef asked. Christophe shrugged lazily. "You're guess is as good as moi's."_

_As soon as Christophe finished his sentence, Stan's blue eyes snapped open wide, only narrow at the two other men. "I'll tear you both apart! I kick your asses so hard you'll wish-" Christophe cut him off by slapping a hand over his mouth. _

_"Shh. Quiet, you idiot." Christophe hissed lowly. He lowered his hand, glaring back at Stan. Stan went to move but found this task to be difficult. "Why can't I move?" he demanded. _

_"You've been mostly dead all day. But we had Miracle Craig bring you back." Chef replied helpfully. Stan blinked. "Who are you two? Are we enemies? Where am I? Where's Kyle?" Stan asked one question right after the other. _

_Christophe let out a long sigh. " 'Ere ze story...non, it is too long. Okay let me sum it up. Kyle is going to marry Cartman in less then 'alf an 'our. All we 'ave to do is break in, stop ze wedding, steal away Kyle, make our escape, while I kill Garrison." _

_"Well that doesn't give us much time to lay around, does it?" Stan asked, tapping his finger impatiently. Chef noticed this. "Hey you're moving your finger! That's great."_

_"Yeah I've kinda been a faster healer." Stan replied. "Anyway what's going on down there?" he asked. Christophe lifted Stan up a bit and tilted his head back so he could see the guards standing before the gates._

_"Ze gates are worked by one man, but it is guarded by...thirty-two men."_

_Christophe sat Stan back down properly. "And our assists?" Stan asked. _

_"Your brains, Chef's strength and my steel." Christophe replied sure of himself. Stan shook his head. "Weak. There's no way we can succeed." he grumbled. _

_"You just shook your head. Doesn't that make you happy?" Chef asked suddenly. Stan looked up at him, with a frown. "My brains, your strength and his steel against thirty-two mean plus Kyle is about to marry the biggest douche in the universe...you think a small shake of my head is suppose to make me happy?" he asked with a slight snap. _

_"Don't need to be a bitch about, just trying to be positive." Chef said quietly. Stan sighed. "If we had a wheelbarrow that would be something..."_

_Christophe snapped his fingers, "Chef, zat wheelbarrow wiz zat leather man, where is eet?"_

_Chef thought for a moment. "Probably still with the leather wearin' man."_

_"Why didn't you say that before?" Stan asked, closing his eyes tightly, if he could he'd pinch the bridge of his nose. "What I would give for a large cloak or something."_

_"Zer we can not 'elp you." Christophe said, rubbing the back of his head. Chef reached into his coat and pulled out a long, black cloak. Christophe blinked. "Chef, where did you get zat?" he asked. Chef aired the cloak out. "Miracle Craig. It fit me so well, so he gave it to me." he replied. _

_"All right, all right. Help me up. I'm going to need a sword soon." Stan said as Chef lifted him up onto his back. _

_"Why? You can't even lift one." Christophe noted. _

_"No one needs to know that, do they?" Stan asked. "Now, there's probably gonna be lots of trouble once we're inside." _

_"If zat isn't an understatement. Namely, 'ow do I find Garrison? Once I kill 'im, 'ow do I find you? One I find you 'ow do we get out?" _

_"Don't pester him." Chef cut in. "He's had a long day." Chef said and started to sneak off, Christophe followed quietly. "Right, right. Sorry."_

_"Christophe?" Chef called quietly._

_"Oui?"_

_"I hope we win."_

_--_

_Cartman walked up to Kyle, smiling widely. "You don't seem very excited, Kahl." he said sweetly. Kyle rolled his eyes. "Should I be?" he asked sluggishly._

_"Most brides are, so I'm told." Cartman put in, keeping his smile there. Kyle shrugged his shoulders. "Whatever, fatass. I'm not marrying you. Stan is going to save me."_

_--_

_"Son of a bitch." Kyle muttered under his breath. He stood by Cartman's side at the alter. The castle's priest, Father Maxi stood there before them._

_"Mawwage." Father Maxi started. "Mawwage is what bwings us togethew today. Mawwage, that bwessed awwangement, that dweam within a dweam...." (A/N: I know Father Maxi doesn't talk like that but I love that part too much to pass up, so ha.)_

_Suddenly Clyde's voice rang out. "Stand your ground, men! Stand your ground!"_

_Clyde and his men looked up in fear as a figure in a large black cloak floated toward them. It was obviously Chef, wrapped in the cloak, standing the the wheelbarrow while Christophe pushed him along with Stan on his back as well_

_"I am the dread pirate Mysterion!" Chef bellowed out. "There will be no survivors!" _

_"Now?" Christophe asked quietly. Stan shook his head. "Not yet."_

_"Many are here, I am here, but soon you will not be here!" Chef continued in an ominous voice._

_"Now?" Christophe asked again. _

_"Light him." Stan replied._

_Christophe took a match and lighted it, enflaming the cloak in flames. "All your worst nightmares are about to come true!" Chef laughed evilly._

_--_

_Father Maxi continued his sermon; "And wove, twue wove..." Kyle rolled his eyes at this and sighed loudly. "...wiww fowwow you fowevah."_

_Clyde's voice kept shouting out and was clearly heard through the chapel. "Stay where you are and fight!"_

_"The dread pirate Mysterion is here for your soulsss." Chef voice followed._

_Father Maxi shrugged and went on; "So tweasuwe youw wove..."_

_"Skip to the end, damn it!" Cartman snapped. Father Maxi looked at him. "Do you have wing?" he asked._

_Cartman started to pat his pockets, looking for the ring. Kyle grinned. "Here comes Stan now." he said glancing back to the doors. Cartman snorted. "Your Stanley is dead. I killed him myself."_

_Kyle's eyes flared. "You unbelievable son of a bitch!" he shouted, he threw the flowers over his shoulder and flung himself at Cartman. The larger male went down, with Kyle atop of him ramming his fist against his face over and over. "I'll beat the shit out of you!"_

---

"Whoa Kyle's mad." Butters said, looking up at Kenny. Butters found himself curling up to the older blonde. Kenny nodded. "Dude, you should see the way Kyle kicks Cartman's ass when he's pissed enough, it's so funny."

"Doesn't Eric cry out for his mommy?"

Kenny laughed out and nodded. "All the time."

---

_Chef, Christophe and a still limping Stan surrounded a cowering Clyde. All the others had ran off, leaving poor Clyde to fend for himself. _

_"Give us the gate key." Stan demanded. Clyde shook his head. "I-I have no gate key." he lied._

_"Chef, rip 'is arms off." Christophe added smoothly. Chef gripped both of Clyde shoulders, and the brunette burst into tears. "I w-w-was just doing-doing what I waaas tooooold." he sobbed, he held up the gate key, still crying his eyes out. Christophe yanked the key away. "Pussy." he sneered at the sobbing Clyde._

_--_

_"YOU'RE BREAKIN' MAH BALLS, KAHL!" Cartman screamed, as the furious red head kept punching Cartman in the face and anywhere else he could reach. "Meeeeeeeeem! Meeeeeeeeeeem!"_

_Kyle wrapped his hands around, Cartman's throat and chocked him slightly, and lifted Cartman's huge head up and slammed it down. "You're a liar!" he shouted. Cartman hacked and pulled at Kyle's hands, he looked up at Father Maxi. "Say man and husband-wife! Say man and husband-wife!" he ordered._

_"Man and husband-wife." Father Maxi said. Kyle froze. Cartman grinned and pushed the stunned boy off of him._

_"Kyle and I are married, heh heh heh heh heeeeh!" The large male sang childishly, poking Kyle's cheeks. Kyle sat there with a blank look on his face. _

_"No....no....no..." Kyle whispered shaking his head. "He...He didn't come..." _

_--_

_Chef, Christophe, and Stan soon found themselves in the castle's corridor, Christophe handed Chef Stan the instant he saw someone very familiar giving orders down the hall. _

_"Kill the giant, and French prick, leave the third for questioning." Garrison ordered, and watched as the guards went off. The moment he turned around he came face to face with very dark, angry eyes. Christophe smirked, squeezing his grip of the shovel's handle he spoke up;_

_"Allo. My name is Christophe DeLorne. You sent me to Catholic school. Prepare to die." _

_Garrison stared at Christophe before getting into a defensive stance, then took off in the opposite direction, and into a room slamming the door close._

_"Zat son of a fucking beetch pussy faggot!" Christophe shouted angrily and ran after him, he rammed his body against the door, and stumbled back. "Grrr." He tried again, but the door still stayed up. "Chef!" he called out, trying to ram the door down again. " 'Es getting away from me! Chef! I need you! Damn it!"_

_"But I can't leave Stan alone!" Chef called back._

_"Damn it! I will not let him live another night, Chef!" Christophe yelled. Chef sighed and leaned Stan against a statue. "Wait here." he grumbled, before going to help the hysterical Frenchmen. Chef watched as Christophe kept trying to ram the thick door down before he held him back and simply twisted the door knob, the door swung open._

_A string of colorful French curses spewed before Christophe was gone._

_Chef walked back to where he had left Stan, to find the dark haired male missing. "Where'd he go?" he asked to no one and he looked behind the statue._

_--_

_Kyle walked arm in arm with the Queen as she lead him to the Honeymoon Suit. Kyle looked to the kind woman and gave her a small hug. Liane blinked and hugged him back. "What was that for, sweetie-kins?" she asked kindly. Kyle forced a smile. "You've always been nice to me, and well...tonight I'm going to kill myself." he admitted. Liane smiled. "Isn't that nice?" She looked at one of the guards. "He hugged me!"_

_--_

_Christophe lay on the ground, panting, with a bleeding gash on his side. The minute he had stepped in, Garrison was waiting, and he struck out his sword with out warning, hurting Christophe badly. _

_"Damn it, fucking sheet." Christophe winced and watched as Garrison strode over to him, grinning all the while._

_"You're that French brat that said bad things about God, huh? You've been chasing me your whole life only to die here, how marvelous."_

_Christophe squeezed his eyes shut, gritting his teeth._

_--_

_Kyle walked into the Honeymoon Suit quietly. His eyes focused on a box, set on the table. The redhead walked over and sat down, flipping the box's top open, revealing a long and slender knife. Still wordlessly he took up the knife, and placed it shaking over his heart. He closed his eyes, ready to bring his hands down to end his life when a voice spoke out;_

_"There's a harsh shortage of supple bodies, it'd be horrible to lose yours." _

_Kyle dropped the knife and twisted in his seat, his eyes widen when he saw Stan laying on the bed, smiling at him._

_"Stan!" he cried, jumping up from the chair and ran over to him, he pounced on him and placed various kisses on Stan's face and lips. Stan simply laid there. "Stan, why aren't you holding me, or anything?" Kyle asked against a kiss._

_"Gently." Stan said. Kyle frowned and lifted Stan's head with his hands, kissing him fully._

_"That's all you can say at a time like this? 'Gently'?"_

_"Gently!" Stan whined, as Kyle dropped his head back, Stan winced when it came in contact with the headboard._

_--_

_Garrison raised a brow when he saw Christophe struggling to stand up, using his shovel to push himself to a stand._

"_Oh my God… Are you still trying to win? You've got an overdeveloped sense of vengeance. It's going to get you into trouble someday." Garrison commented._

_Christophe glared at him. "Allo. My name is Christophe DeLorne. You sent me to Catholic school. Prepare to die." He said darkly as he lifted up his shovel and rushed forward swinging it; Garrison blocked the shovel with his sword and dodged away._

_"Allo. My name is Christophe DeLorne. You sent me to Catholic school. Prepare to die!" Christophe shouted, going for another attack. Garrison stumbled back, trying to defend himself._

_"Allo! My name is Christophe DeLorne! You sent me to Catholic school! Prepare to die!" _

"_Stop saying that!" Garrison shouted, Christophe took the chance and knocked his shovel across Garrison's face. Garrison fell back and looked up at Christophe with wide eyes as the shovel's blade was pressed to his neck._

_"Allo. My name is Christophe DeLorne. You sent me to Catholic school. Prepare to die." Christophe said once more with a smirk._

"_No!" Garrison cried, shaking his head._

_Christophe pulled his shovel away; Garrison sighed but gasped when the shovel was only being brought up over his head._

"_Where iz your merciful God now?" Christophe asked with a sneer, before bringing the shovel down with all his might._

---

Butters buried his nose into Kenny's parka, shaking. Kenny stroked his hair a bit. "S'matter, Butters?" he asked. Butters peeked up at him, still shaking.

"I-I said I don't like sword fights." He squeaked. Kenny sighed and nodded his head. "Right, right. Sorry I forgot." The older blonde apologized. "Want me to keep telling the story?"

"Well yeah, it's getting' really good! Just…no more fights?"

"Alright…no more fights."

---

"_Stan, can you ever forgive me?" Kyle asked, hiding his face against Stan's neck._

"_And what heinous sin did you commit, Kyle?" Stan asked curiously._

"_Dude, I got married. I didn't want to, it happened so quick…" Kyle started._

"_Never happened." Stan interrupted. Kyle lifted up his head and looked at Stan with a puzzled gaze. "What?"_

"_It never happened." Stan repeated. Kyle shook his head. "I would know if it did, I was there. The old priest said 'husband-wife'."_

"_Did you say I do?"_

"_Uhh…no, we-we didn't. We skipped that."_

"_And this isn't a synagogue. The ceremony was all wrong, cause you're Jewish right?"_

_Kyle's eyes brighten. "You're right!"_

_Stan nodded his head a bit. "Then you aren't married. Wouldn't you agree, Your Highness?" he asked looking past Kyle to Cartman who stood near the shadows. _

"_Yes, a small problem that will be fixed." Cartman said stepping forward. "But first things, first." He said drawing his sword. "To the death."_

"_To the pain!" Stan corrected. Cartman blinked. "Err. I'm pretty sure it's 'Death' not 'Pain'"_

"_I'll explain and I'll use small words for you so you can understand." Stan said sitting up a bit, as Kyle slipped off him._

"_That has to be the first time….besides Kyle someone has dared to insult me to my face." Cartman growled._

"_And it sure as hell won't be the last." Stan snapped. "To the pain means, I fucking slice off your feet first. Then your hands, and then your nose." Stan started, narrowing his blue eyes._

"_And then my tongue I suppose." Cartman sighed bored, "I killed you too quickly last time. A mistake I don't intend to repeat."_

"_Don't interrupt me you fat piece of shit." Stan hissed. "I'm not finished. Then I rip out your left eye, followed by your right." _

"_And then my ears!' Cartman shouted, fed up. "Get on with it!"_

"_Wrong! You keep your ears, wanna know why? That way you can hear every kid's scream when they see your horrid sight, will be yours to cherish, every baby that weeps at your approach, and every woman who screams out. 'Dear sweet GOD what is that THING?' will be able to echo in your fat ears. And that's what 'To the pain' means. It means I leave you to wallow in your freakish misery forever…" Stan finished, keeping his hard gaze on Cartman who by now was shaking where he stood but kept a strait face._

"_I think you're lying." Cartman said finally._

"_It's possible, pig. I could be lying…I'm only laying here cause I lack strength to stand…but then again. Maybe I do have strength." Stan replied, and pushed himself up and stood up, holding out his sword._

---

"Kenny! You promised!"

"Just wait! Just wait!"

---

"_Drop…your…sword." Stan ordered lowly. Cartman's sword fell to the floor. Stan smirked. "Have a seat." Cartman dropped into a nearby chair. Stan looked to Kyle. "Tie him up, as tight as you want." He said with a nod. Kyle smirked and looked at Cartman, gripping some thin sheets. He walked over and tied Cartman down to the chair securely, the larger boy had no chance of escaping._

"_That hurts, Kahl!" Cartman shouted. Kyle smiled. "Oh I know."_

_Just then Christophe walked into the room, his cloths smeared with blood. He looked at Stan. "Where iz Chef?" he asked._

"_I thought he was with you." Stan replied. _

"_Non." Christophe shook his head. Stan sighed. "Well in that case, whoooooaaa!" he stumbled and gripped onto the bed post spinning a bit._

" '_Elp 'im" Christophe said to Kyle. Kyle was by Stan's side in an instant. _

"_Why does Stan need help?" Kyle asked, helping said boy to stand up again._

" '_E 'as no strength." Christophe replied._

"_I knew it!" Cartman shouted. "I knew he was lying! I knew he was….lying?" Cartman trailed off when the end of a bloody shovel was pressed to his throat._

"_Shall I dispatch 'im for you?" Christophe asked._

"_That'd be nice, but no. I want him to live on in his cowardice." Stan said, the sound of pebbles hitting the window caught everyone's attention. _

"_Christophe! Christophe! Where are you?"__Chef called out.__Christophe opened the window and waved down.__"There you are! I saw the prince's stable, and there they were, four white horses. And I thought, there are four of us, if we ever find the lady. Hello, Kyle! So I took them with me, in case we ever bumped into each other. I guess we just did." Chef explained. Christophe grinned. "You did some zing right, Chef."_

"_Don't worry I won't let it go to my head." Chef promised. He held out his arms, showing that he would catch each other them. Christophe and Stan helped Kyle up and the redhead jumped down first falling freely, landing safely in Chef's waiting arms. He turned and smiled up at Stan. Stan smiled back and waved. _

"_You know, eet iz strange…" Christophe sighed. "I've been in ze revenge business for so long, now zat eet iz over I 'ave no idea what do with my life."_

_Stan hummed. "Ever considered piracy?" he asked. "You'd make a great dread pirate Mysterion." He offered holding out his hand. Christophe's frown turned up into a grin, and he shook Stan's hand, before the dark hair male jumped down._

---

"And they rode off into freedom, by the time the sun rose Stan and Kyle knew they were safe, a wave of love swept over them and…." Kenny trailed off. Butters looked at him quickly.

"What? What?" he asked, with big curious eyes. Kenny shrugged. "They're gonna kiss. I know you don't wanna hear that…"

Butters blushed. "I'uh. I really don't mind anymore…" he said softly. Kenny smiled and nodded. "Okay…since the invention of the kiss there had been few that were rated the most pure, loving and passionate. This one left them all behind…"

"

---

_Stan leaned down to Kyle, while holding lovingly in his arms, both their eyes closed as their lips came in touch._

---

"The end." Kenny said. Butters sniffed and smiled. "I really liked that story, Kenny…thank you for telling me it."

Kenny chuckled and ruffled Butters hair. "No problem, Butter-ball…"

Both boys froze when they heard a call pulling in. Kenny groaned. "And that's my cue to go…" he sighed sitting up and crawled off the bed, Butters grabbed onto his wrist. "Kenny, wait…"

Kenny looked back to him. "What?' he whispered. Butters hesitated. "I think I'm gonna be sick again tomorrow…w-will you come back and tell me the story again?" he asked hopefully.

Kenny stayed quiet, looking down at Butters. He leaned down and pressed a small kiss to the corner of the small boy's lips. He pulled away to see the massive blush on Butter's face.

"Sure thing, dude." Kenny said softly before opening the window and slipped away. Butters giggled still blushing and laid back into his bed, pulling the covers over his head.

Epilogue.

Kyle let out a sneeze, and cursed sourly. He rubbed his reddening nose. "Stupid cold." He growled. He lifted his head up when he heard a knock on his door. "Come in!" he called out, and then started to sneeze and cough. Stan walked into the room.

"Hey, Kye…" he greeted walking over too the bed. Kyle sniffed and looked at his boyfriend puzzled. "Stan, what are you doing here? You're gonna get sick."

"Whatever, it means I can miss school…besides I wanted to keep you company." Stan said with a smile as he sat on the bed, scooting to Kyle and placed an arm over his shoulder.

"Well, it's not like we have much to do." Kyle sighed. Stan shrugged. "How about if I tell you a story?" he asked. Kyle raised a brow. "Story? Jeez and what's it about huh?"

"It's about….about…" Stan started, furrowing his brows. Suddenly getting an idea.

"It's about a poor blonde guy, naaamed Kenny."

Kyle made a face.

"Who falls in love with another blonde boy, named Butters…so many things are happening that the two are barely able to be together thanks to Kenny's evil brother…Cartman. Finally the poor blonde decides to go on a famous quiz show hoping his love will see him." Stan said, smiling again. Kyle's face was the exact opposite.

"Dare I ask the name of this story?" Kyle asked lowly. Stan grinned.

"South Park Millionaire."

Kyle rolled his eyes, and snuggled into Stan ready to listen to the story.

A/N: AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!! IT'S DONE OH MY GOD. I DID IT! I FINISHED A STORY! AAAAAHHHMOTHERLANDWOOOOOO!!! And no, no, no I'm not gonna write South Park Millionaire that's justa joke. Sorry. By the way. Go see Slumdog Millionaire if you haven't it friggen rocks socks.

I'd like to thank all my kind reviewers; **XxKylexX,**** Yet Another Dark Rose, StupidityIsStupid, DiamondxPink618, super manako sohma, JoyHeart, momijikk, Ellivia22, fire vixon, Hayze-chan, Determined, Tikal Tyrant, Don'tKillKenny, Chiz,**

**Kusege-chan, **


	6. Chapter 6

A/N: Okay. I cracked. I love Slumdog Millionaire, and Bunny waaay too much. So um...how about if you guys go and vote on my poll or review it. Tell me wether or not I should go on and write it up! Lemme know what you'd like 8D

Though to stay safe from violation rules, I'm gonna give a bit more of a epilogue. Anyway! Enjoy! I don't own South Park.

---

Kyle looked up at Stan. Stan sat there quiet, keeping his arm around Kyle's smaller form. "Well, Stan?" Kyle pressed. Hey, it didn't matter if he was sick or not...his impatiences would remain. Stan shot the Jewish teen a look. "Gimme a minute, Kye." he grumbled. The ebondy haired boy, rubbed his lips before he nodded his head. "Okay, I got it. Once upon a ti-"

"Oh, Stan!"

"I haven't even touched you."

"Stan."

"Sorry."

Kyle shook his head and wiggled himself out of his boyfriend's grasp and laid back down on his pillow. "You suck at telling stories." he informed looking up at Stan bluntly. Stan frowned. "I haven't even started it." he argued, crossing his arms. This is what he gets for trying to be sweet and caring? His story telling abilities shoved right into his face.

"Good stories don't start with, 'Once upon a time' " Kyle said, rolling his green eyes. Stan threw up his arms. "All great stories start with 'Once Upon A Time'!"

"Yeah, old Brothers Grimm stories." Kyle replied, Stan gripped Kyle from under his arms and hoisted him back up, wrapping a strong arm around him and held him firmly. "Hey, hey...this is my story and I'll tell it the way I want. And you will listen and like it." he said raising a challenging brow at Kyle. Kyle blinked and huffed, before letting out three sneezes in a row.

"...Fine." Kyle reluctantly gave in and slumped against Stan's side tiredly. "And you've been hanging out with Cartman too much." He added. Stan smiled, and started to think of a better way to start off his story...

---

A/N: ...So yeah. Should I go ahead and write South Park Millionaire? Of course it'll be a totally seprate story from this one, but I am too lazy to go through the new story process thing, blah blah blah...So! Yea. Nay. Maybeh?


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